i got to sleep 'til almost 1pm today. day 2 of feeling like poo. but it could be worse. did i mention that after the meeting last night i drove my happy OptiFast ass over to the Gordo on Clement? and parked. and got in the approx. 10 people deep line. and stood there for a minute. and then came to my senses and got back in the car and drove home. the thought that stopped me, that was louder than the cravings and the hunger for warm, salty, gooey, cheesy, ricey and meaty burrito was that if i gave into that temptation, what's changed? and change is what i'm looking for. not just a change in my weight but a long term change in my behavior around food choices. it's that saying that goes: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got" UPDATE: Henry Ford said that.
Fresh supply bars and shakes stocked in my kitchen. and a promise I made to myself honored and protected. Even if only for today.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
OptiFast - 1 week in
i feel like poo.
day #2 of head cold.
sticking with the program.
today is the first weigh in meeting.
UPDATE:
weighed in at 301.5 - - - down 4.7 pounds
day #2 of head cold.
sticking with the program.
today is the first weigh in meeting.
UPDATE:
weighed in at 301.5 - - - down 4.7 pounds
Sunday, April 27, 2014
OptiFast - Day 5
I can do this.
I can do this.
every time i worry i will fail and slip back into eating i think about where my choices up to this point have gotten me. i think about how my legs, feet and ankles swell, how i sleep with a CPAP machine, how my back pain is being aggravated by the weight of my belly fat, how hard my heart has to work to keep my useless fat cells supplied with oxygen. so is this program hard? yes. there are fleeting moments when i feel like i am being punished/punishing myself. there are tears out of nowhere. there is the irritability that my sweet husband has bravely and diplomatically endured (so far) as i adjust to this period of no food. these moments are hard. but guess what? there are more hard moments and tough feelings when you are eating and you're obese. that experience (which i have been having for the past 10+ years) comes with it's own hodgepodge of tough feelings.
top of the list: guilt/shame/depression/acting like i feel fine when i feel like doo doo 'cause the only thing more embarrassing than being fat is letting it show that it gets to you, physically and emotionally. so you smile through pain, walk stairs slowly and try to regain your breath before greeting your friend with a hug so they don't notice how winded you are - and you cringe at the imagined insult daggers being thrown your way with every bite of food you take in public. as if you don't deserve to enjoy your meal 'cause you're FAT. So as difficult as this is and will continue to be - i plan to put my faith in the science and the wisdom of those who have walked the path ahead of me and paved the way - and hopefully I will eventually get to enjoy the results of the sacrifices i am making today. if i choose to throw in the towel and eat the way i was, i must also accept the life i will be going back to, and the hard, lonely path that lies ahead of me. i know that path, i know where it will lead.
man, there is a LOT of self-talk that goes on when you're not numbing your feelings and thoughts with food.
but HEY, it's a beautiful sunny day and we're going to the game. GO GIANTS!!!!
I can do this.
every time i worry i will fail and slip back into eating i think about where my choices up to this point have gotten me. i think about how my legs, feet and ankles swell, how i sleep with a CPAP machine, how my back pain is being aggravated by the weight of my belly fat, how hard my heart has to work to keep my useless fat cells supplied with oxygen. so is this program hard? yes. there are fleeting moments when i feel like i am being punished/punishing myself. there are tears out of nowhere. there is the irritability that my sweet husband has bravely and diplomatically endured (so far) as i adjust to this period of no food. these moments are hard. but guess what? there are more hard moments and tough feelings when you are eating and you're obese. that experience (which i have been having for the past 10+ years) comes with it's own hodgepodge of tough feelings.
top of the list: guilt/shame/depression/acting like i feel fine when i feel like doo doo 'cause the only thing more embarrassing than being fat is letting it show that it gets to you, physically and emotionally. so you smile through pain, walk stairs slowly and try to regain your breath before greeting your friend with a hug so they don't notice how winded you are - and you cringe at the imagined insult daggers being thrown your way with every bite of food you take in public. as if you don't deserve to enjoy your meal 'cause you're FAT. So as difficult as this is and will continue to be - i plan to put my faith in the science and the wisdom of those who have walked the path ahead of me and paved the way - and hopefully I will eventually get to enjoy the results of the sacrifices i am making today. if i choose to throw in the towel and eat the way i was, i must also accept the life i will be going back to, and the hard, lonely path that lies ahead of me. i know that path, i know where it will lead.
man, there is a LOT of self-talk that goes on when you're not numbing your feelings and thoughts with food.
but HEY, it's a beautiful sunny day and we're going to the game. GO GIANTS!!!!
Saturday, April 26, 2014
OptiFast - Day 4
Spent the day cleaning, purging stuff we don't need and rearranging the layout of the apartment. black coffee is good. and helps stave off hunger. which has actually pretty much subsided, thanks to good ol' ketosis. I hope this is working. 3 more days 'til first weigh in, meeting #2 - they will be taking "before" pics. ack. guess it's necessary and will likely help me see changes, even if the scale isn't moving at some points like i hope it will.
it's kinda cool to look at what's left of the products and know that once they are gone, the first week will be over. i think i have two more strawberry shakes to get down. i stick the straw as far back as i can and chug. and as i keep reminding myself, once the food is down, it doesn't matter if you've eating quinoa or a quarter pounder, you are satiated. the actual taste and chewing part of the experience is really so brief in the grand scheme of the whole digestion thing. why do we place so much importance on it and derive so much enjoyment from it?
it's kinda cool to look at what's left of the products and know that once they are gone, the first week will be over. i think i have two more strawberry shakes to get down. i stick the straw as far back as i can and chug. and as i keep reminding myself, once the food is down, it doesn't matter if you've eating quinoa or a quarter pounder, you are satiated. the actual taste and chewing part of the experience is really so brief in the grand scheme of the whole digestion thing. why do we place so much importance on it and derive so much enjoyment from it?
OptiFast - Day 3
how it went:
spent the morning and early afternoon at St. Anthony's on Golden Gate volunteering. It was good to get out, to be busy and active, keeping my mind off food. Even though my job was in the dining room, serving food. I also bussed and cleaned tables, swept the floor and passed out the ever popular and in demand plastic cups of sickly sweet red bug juice. Hearing the constant scrapes of forks on the plastic trays and watching the food being shoved eagerly into the hungry pie holes gave me some perspective on what it means to be hungry. At break time, I grabbed my protein bar and ate, then got right back into the flow.
So I followed the plan yesterday until about 8pm, when Jason made some seasoned ground turkey for his dinner... As i was washing dishes I kept smelling the leftover turkey on the stove. He left the apartment and dipped downstairs to take out the trash at one point and I found myself hovering over the turkey, managed to shovel about 3 tablespoons into my mouth before I stopped. I surely wanted more. within 2 minutes I had hiccups. lol. had my last shake about an hour later and went to bed wondering if it was a "cheat" and grateful that it was "only protein".
spent the morning and early afternoon at St. Anthony's on Golden Gate volunteering. It was good to get out, to be busy and active, keeping my mind off food. Even though my job was in the dining room, serving food. I also bussed and cleaned tables, swept the floor and passed out the ever popular and in demand plastic cups of sickly sweet red bug juice. Hearing the constant scrapes of forks on the plastic trays and watching the food being shoved eagerly into the hungry pie holes gave me some perspective on what it means to be hungry. At break time, I grabbed my protein bar and ate, then got right back into the flow.
So I followed the plan yesterday until about 8pm, when Jason made some seasoned ground turkey for his dinner... As i was washing dishes I kept smelling the leftover turkey on the stove. He left the apartment and dipped downstairs to take out the trash at one point and I found myself hovering over the turkey, managed to shovel about 3 tablespoons into my mouth before I stopped. I surely wanted more. within 2 minutes I had hiccups. lol. had my last shake about an hour later and went to bed wondering if it was a "cheat" and grateful that it was "only protein".
Thursday, April 24, 2014
OptiFast - Day 2
I have now tried all the flavors of all the products that I ordered.
Faves and least faves:
Powder mixes vs. Ready to Drink - not much noticeable difference in the liquid consistency or the flavors, I feel they are equal in quality and texture. S'spose I like the powder mixes a tad more because I mix them with water and blend in ice, thereby getting them colder than I can the ready to drinks. Colder/slushy = thicker and more like a shake. I'll probably continue to do a half order of each, simply for convenience of RTDs.
SHAKES:
Vanilla - reminds me of a Nilla Wafer. I haven't done it yet, but plan to buy and add some sugar free flavor syrups/drops. The potential flavor combinations will be best with the vanilla base, I think. Most favorite.
Chocolate - is a close 2nd.
Strawberry - i was leery of this flavor, for good reason it turns out. like a knock off artificially sweetened Crunchberry cereal. bad. bad. i'll hafta work to get the remaining 3 down my gullet. and order no more. no matter how desperate I get for variety, this taste ain't worth it.
BARS:
what can i say? portable, chewable, some flavors are almost enjoyable. Chocolate Mint is good, Fudge Graham is, too, but a little cardboardy as well. I like Cinnamon. and Peanut/Chocolate is just okay.
SOUPS:
The best meal of the day. It's warm and not sweet is the main thing. Flavors are Chicken and Garden Tomato. The chicken was really good with Tobasco and lemon juice, I enjoyed it. The tomato needs a little more help than that. I'm thinking basil would do it. must pick some up.
that's it. apart from various flavors of sugarless gum and 3-5 liters of water a day. that's the program.
right now i'm eating 9 products a day which works out to about every 90 mins. Which is a little bit taskyish. ? in fact, it's time to eat now. bye.
strawberry sickness. i look like Mr. Magoo.
Faves and least faves:
Powder mixes vs. Ready to Drink - not much noticeable difference in the liquid consistency or the flavors, I feel they are equal in quality and texture. S'spose I like the powder mixes a tad more because I mix them with water and blend in ice, thereby getting them colder than I can the ready to drinks. Colder/slushy = thicker and more like a shake. I'll probably continue to do a half order of each, simply for convenience of RTDs.
SHAKES:
Vanilla - reminds me of a Nilla Wafer. I haven't done it yet, but plan to buy and add some sugar free flavor syrups/drops. The potential flavor combinations will be best with the vanilla base, I think. Most favorite.
Chocolate - is a close 2nd.
Strawberry - i was leery of this flavor, for good reason it turns out. like a knock off artificially sweetened Crunchberry cereal. bad. bad. i'll hafta work to get the remaining 3 down my gullet. and order no more. no matter how desperate I get for variety, this taste ain't worth it.
BARS:
what can i say? portable, chewable, some flavors are almost enjoyable. Chocolate Mint is good, Fudge Graham is, too, but a little cardboardy as well. I like Cinnamon. and Peanut/Chocolate is just okay.
SOUPS:
The best meal of the day. It's warm and not sweet is the main thing. Flavors are Chicken and Garden Tomato. The chicken was really good with Tobasco and lemon juice, I enjoyed it. The tomato needs a little more help than that. I'm thinking basil would do it. must pick some up.
that's it. apart from various flavors of sugarless gum and 3-5 liters of water a day. that's the program.
right now i'm eating 9 products a day which works out to about every 90 mins. Which is a little bit taskyish. ? in fact, it's time to eat now. bye.
strawberry sickness. i look like Mr. Magoo.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
My shoes!
I have wanted these shoes for months but have managed to keep talking myself out of buying them because of how expensive they are. The fact is, I need them. I need the comfort and support as I walk this big ol' body around in the coming months, in an effort to lose this weight. So, here they are. :)
The insoles are replaceable and sold separately should the need arise. Can't wait to walk around Stow Lake tomorrow and break 'em in!
OptiFast - Day 1
"The journey of a thousand shakes starts with one sip" - me.
cheers, Big Ears!
aaaaaaaand, the one warm non-sweetish meal of the day is soup. chicken soup. it tastes like it has about 1/2 a bullion cube. but a little pepper and tobasco, a squirt of lemon juice and it ain't so bad.
spent a good part of the day tripping around the new and improved at Pier 15 Exploratorium with B. we had a good time, my feets is a little worn out, but the back pain is very minimal these days. thank jeeb. I'm expecting my new Finn Comfort walking shoes via UPS delivery any minute. hoping they will be as comfortable as I remember, got a lot of walking to do....
one day down, a lifetime to go!
aaaaaaaand, the one warm non-sweetish meal of the day is soup. chicken soup. it tastes like it has about 1/2 a bullion cube. but a little pepper and tobasco, a squirt of lemon juice and it ain't so bad.
spent a good part of the day tripping around the new and improved at Pier 15 Exploratorium with B. we had a good time, my feets is a little worn out, but the back pain is very minimal these days. thank jeeb. I'm expecting my new Finn Comfort walking shoes via UPS delivery any minute. hoping they will be as comfortable as I remember, got a lot of walking to do....
one day down, a lifetime to go!
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Day 0 - OptiFast
Last meal for 4 months, Gordo, of course. Thing is, I barely tasted it...
also, grabbed a Snickers from the hospital lobby vending machine and inhaled it in a phone cubby/nook before taking the elevator up to tonight's MWM (Medical Weight Management) meeting. WTF? i don't even eat candy, but I shoved that bar down my gullet in less than a minute. 4 bites, IIRC. wow. heady mindfucky stuff. anyway, picked up my "product" for week one. got some ready to drink shakes chillin' in the fridge for tomorrow.
here.
i.
go.
p.s. Starting weight - 306.2
also, grabbed a Snickers from the hospital lobby vending machine and inhaled it in a phone cubby/nook before taking the elevator up to tonight's MWM (Medical Weight Management) meeting. WTF? i don't even eat candy, but I shoved that bar down my gullet in less than a minute. 4 bites, IIRC. wow. heady mindfucky stuff. anyway, picked up my "product" for week one. got some ready to drink shakes chillin' in the fridge for tomorrow.
here.
i.
go.
p.s. Starting weight - 306.2
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