OptiFast - Day 5

I can do this.

I can do this.

every time i worry i will fail and slip back into eating i think about where my choices up to this point have gotten me. i think about how my legs, feet and ankles swell, how i sleep with a CPAP machine, how my back pain is being aggravated by the weight of my belly fat, how hard my heart has to work to keep my useless fat cells supplied with oxygen. so is this program hard? yes. there are fleeting moments when i feel like i am being punished/punishing myself. there are tears out of nowhere. there is the irritability that my sweet husband has bravely and diplomatically endured (so far) as i adjust to this period of no food. these moments are hard. but guess what? there are more hard moments and tough feelings when you are eating and you're obese. that experience (which i have been having for the past 10+ years) comes with it's own hodgepodge of tough feelings.

top of the list: guilt/shame/depression/acting like i feel fine when i feel like doo doo 'cause the only thing more embarrassing than being fat is letting it show that it gets to you, physically and emotionally. so you smile through pain, walk stairs slowly and try to regain your breath before greeting your friend with a hug so they don't notice how winded you are - and you cringe at the imagined insult daggers being thrown your way with every bite of food you take in public. as if you don't deserve to enjoy your meal 'cause you're FAT. So as difficult as this is and will continue to be - i plan to put my faith in the science and the wisdom of those who have walked the path ahead of me and paved the way - and hopefully I will eventually get to enjoy the results of the sacrifices i am making today. if i choose to throw in the towel and eat the way i was, i must  also accept the life i will be going back to, and the hard, lonely path that lies ahead of me. i know that path, i know where it will lead.

man, there is a LOT of self-talk that goes on when you're not numbing your feelings and thoughts with food.

but HEY, it's a beautiful sunny day and we're going to the game. GO GIANTS!!!!